Fighting the Undertow

Intention is always the easy part. Intending to make it to the page (the keyboard? the screen? the editor?): clearly it hasn’t been enough to actually get me here.

I’ve always thought that keeping a personal blog matters – that living in the now, sharing the highs and the lows, that talking about goals and the work that goes into reaching them matters – because it’s in sharing our stories that we grow. It’s in finding shared stories that we reclaim hope, feel connections, and find reasons to keep pushing through even when it feels like there’s not a single reason to keep showing up and trying. Having outgrown one such blog last year, I tried to embrace this space. And it worked. For a little while at least. But somewhere along the line, I lost my focus.

Part of that was because, well, I was scrambling to get work done and to get side hustles going to bring in the cash I needed to pay taxes. Part of it was that I was starting to struggle with the most severe depression I’d faced in years. Part of it was that there was still a newness – and with it came all of the hardcore doubts. How could I keep from screwing it up? What was the damned point? If I couldn’t be sure of what I wanted to say, how would I say anything at all of value?

Those doubts are all still there, but here I am anyway. Nothing’s really changed, but I’m still feeling like something needs to change. The best way that I can explain it is to say that it’s simply this. Not taking advantage of this is like taking a beach vacation, but never going near the sea because there’s a slight chance of an undertow at low tide – especially when the tide is coming in. In other words, it kind of defeats the purpose.

There are never any guarantees but these: if you don’t go, you don’t see. If you don’t try, you don’t succeed. And if you give the fear the upperhand, you’ll never know what you can do.

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